Paddleboarding
I’ve always been scared of looking silly. Which has kept me from pursuing a lot of things I have an interest in. Have you ever felt that internal pressure to be an expert at something you’ve literally never done before? Whyyyyyyy do we do this to ourselves?????
I decided in 2020, mid-pandemic, after months of research, that I was going to get a paddleboard. Cue the thoughts of embarrassing myself or not immediately being good at it. Only this time, I didn’t let that stop me from pursuing a new hobby, but, rather, almost roadblocked myself with something else.
Often, I see people on socials post before/after recovery photos. Usually, there is some mention of weight loss. That wasn’t my experience. I stopped drinking right before a pretty big wave of depression and anxiety washed over me that I would largely ignore because, clearly, what I was experiencing was not real if no one else was noticing that I hadn’t left the house in over week and rarely got out of bed. Right? (Note: No cause for concern. I’m in a good place now. I’m grateful for health insurance that allowed me to see a therapist, a pup that loves to walk and hike, meds, and shedding that which no longer serves me.)
Why is this relevant? Paddleboarding is a sport done in water. And, that means, you guessed it: bathing suits. My body felt foreign and I felt like a stranger in it. Trust, these feelings are not wholly exclusive to the pandemic. My body has always been fair game to discuss, comment on, or offer advice about since I can remember. My beauty and worthiness proportional to the size of my thighs or the roundness of my face.
Is there any substance that might distract me from these feelings of self-consciousness and inadequacy?
“I bet drinking would make you feel less self-conscious,” said my inner monologue. Yeah, and turns out, Lake Culture seems to embrace drinking. People drinking and swimming in water where people are drinking, sometimes while driving boats. So, yeah, a drink on a SUP wouldn’t draw much attention.
TL:DR - I’m learning to love my body. Drinking would temporarily mask that feeling. People like to drink at lakes. I paddleboard on lakes. That about sums it up.
Turns out, it doesn't really matter what I look like in a bathing suit, because my board and the water never seem to bring it up. I also don’t think about it as much I thought I would because my thoughts are occupied with other more immediately relevant things, like: wow it’s pretty out here or oh, shit, I almost lost my balance. Which is not meant to minimize or oversimplify the very real thoughts & feelings that cross my mind.
Why yes, I did cut my hair, thank you so much for noticing :)
These photos are from October 2021. I’m still working on propping my GoPro up correctly. Sorry you’re staring directly at the sun.
So much has changed since I first got my board. My pop up is SO much better. (Notice I didn’t say faster or amazing? It’s just better than it was lol watch the video for receipts) My balance has improved. You wouldn’t think, but my feet are stronger. #NoFreeFeetPics
I’m confident in going out alone, something I’d never imagine doing when I originally got my board. I’m also well over 500 days alcohol free. My anxiety & depression are well managed. I’ve connected and reconnected with people who feel like sunshine. And, I’d never thought of it this way, but my friend told me that I’m boldly going in the direction I want and that seems fitting.
I wouldn’t say I’m at a place where I love my body. But, I have love for my body and what it can do. I’m also unlearning fatphobic narratives that I’ve internalized about myself. It’s a process, no?
What’s in my dry bag?
Squeezable applesauce
Breakfast burrito
La Croix (Peach-Pear)
First Aid Kit + Med Kit
Headlamp
Patch kit
I do recognize that it’s probably easier to not drink when I’m not surrounded by people drinking on the shore or in a boat I’m on. So, do a temperature check with yourself before you go and always have an escape plan and/or let a friend know how they can lend support.
Truthfully, I hadn’t started this post with the intention of it being more about body image than fun things I do without alcohol. But, it feels inauthentic to make no mention of what I’m struggling with because my life isn’t just about not drinking.
I guess the takeaways are:
I am capable of feeling big emotions and not drinking.
I’m headed in the direction that feels best for me.
To hell with looking silly, try new things.
Cool, so that’s me…
Know good paddleboard spots I should check out? LMK :)
