Pride
I went to my first Pride parade in West Hollywood about a decade ago. I had come out a couple months earlier and I was so excited to go with the girl I was dating. She never showed. Don’t worry, I made sure to really learn the lesson by dating her for a few more years.
So, here I am, fresh out of the closet, feeling like a fish out of water on the sidelines of a pride parade, watching the contingents pass by with tears in my eyes for a myriad of reasons: jubilation, heartache, hope, loneliness, and intrigue, to name a few.
A year later, I moved to Arizona. I googled “gay phoenix” and the rest is history.
I’ve been working for LGBTQ+ non-profits for almost 10 years. I was always in bars, at fundraisers & events, pool parties, etc. Drinking to the point of blackout several nights a week was a norm and that was my life for about 4-5 years. Eventually, the number of times a week I was drinking decreased, but the amount I was drinking when I did had drastically increased.
So much of queer culture is centered around drinking. And, it’d be a lie to say that I didn’t use that as a way to justify, to myself, that I didn’t actually have a problem. I no longer drank everyday. See, definitely don’t have a problem. Plus, you know, it’s my job to be at these events.
The thing is, despite being at every queer function, I’ve actually never been to a Pride I wasn’t working at in some capacity. Let me tell you, that didn’t change this year. However, I did make the decision that I wanted to participate in some way.
So, when my friend invited me to meet up at the parade, I said yes. I filled up a lil parade pack with NA bevs & snacks because…well…I knew I’d need to. Don’t get ready; stay ready.
Y’all. I’m so happy I went. I got to see friends that I haven’t since before COVID. I laughed more in those 3 hours than I have in idk when. I got to hang with my lil bff, Jelly Bean! And, I remember ever second of it.
Honestly, I used to decline a lot of invitations to places for a plethora of reasons that I won’t get into, except to say, I’m lucky and incredibly grateful to/for my friends.
Me + Jelly Bean
Later that night, I met up with my friend and her girlfriend at a bar to go dancing.
To prepare, I made sure my fridge had plenty of my NA favs and a few new things to try to mark the occasion. I did some dancing in my living room, you know, to prepare myself for what it might feel like to dance sober in a crowded room.
I should mention that I did openly share with folks that I was craving more this weekend than I usually do and that if I cancel, it’s not because I don’t want to be there.
First things first: Liquid Death Sparkling Water is SO good. I’ve talked about it at least once a day since Pride. Try it.
Second: There isn’t much to share about my night out because I only stayed out for about an hour. The DJ wasn’t my favorite.
In the past, I’d drink more and stay to ensure I didn’t have FOMO. But, now, I had a warm bed and cute dog at home and JOMO (Joy of Missing Out, thanks Recovery Happy Hour).
I did look cute and will not be deleting this later :)
I took exactly one photo and it was on accident. Cute shoes though, no?
Maybe you’re wondering, “Dani, what was it like for you in the bar?” Even if you aren’t, I’m going to tell you.
It was weird. The familiar smell of alcohol and wet, mildewy towel wafted out the door. Long ass lines at the bar. Too many people touching me. All the drunk people. I didn’t miss it. I do maintain that if the DJ was different, my outlook may have been more favorable. I’ll give it another try in the future.
PS: don’t go to a bar if you don’t want to or it doesn’t feel safe for your sobriety.
The next day I had to work the Pride festival. I packed my Pride Pack for the day and waited for my friend, her partner, and their baby to swoop me up for brunch (another sober first!) before our shift at the booth. Hangover free!
Question: Have you ever tried to have a meaningful conversation with someone who is drunk when you’re sober? It feels like an exercise in futility. That’s what a few convos at the booth felt like lol.
Here’s the thing: It’s so hot in Phoenix. And it never matters when the festival is scheduled. It’s going to be hot. I have a friend who was helping with beverage at the festival. An ice angel, if you will, who brought us a 20 lb bag of ice. Get yourself a friend who when you ask for ice, they bring you 20 lbs of it. Did I mention it was hot?
Anyway, I say all that to say, I didn’t stay at the festival after my shift. I wanted to. I really considered it. But, I looked around and made the decision that it was in my best interest to dip. In fact, I went right home, took a nap and returned to the festival 90 minutes later to tear down our booth.
Shoutout to friends with trucks and good attitudes who will come to Pride just to help you deconstruct a rainbow filled 10x20 tent in less than 30 minutes. Honorable mention to friends with golf carts at the festival who will help transport the contents of that rainbow filled 10x20 tent to said truck.
Moral of the story: A support system is vital. Events and experiences are different when you’re not drinking, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t any less fun or meaningful. Being exhausted and sober beats being exhausted and hungover. Things come full circle and I’m no longer standing alone on the sidelines of a Pride parade.
Happy Pride.🌈
